I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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