I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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