Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
