I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
