$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
