It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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