life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
