His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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