New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
