peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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