I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
