I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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