Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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