This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
