I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
