I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You brought string cheese to the strip club
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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