i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Randomize
