He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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