I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She's the barista slut.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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