if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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