when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
