i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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