You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
high people should be assigned attendants
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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