I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
