Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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