So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
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He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
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You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that