I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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