There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
