So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
