Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
