people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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