i think i have two assholes
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
