Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
