i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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