In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
