babies were throwing up all over the place
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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