garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
