the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
