Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
