This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
