There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
