i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
