I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
