I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
