Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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