It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
