I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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