mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
