I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
