My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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