JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
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