Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Randomize
