dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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