my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
