Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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