you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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