Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
