somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Shame is for Republicans.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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