I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
