my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
