im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
