just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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